Penelope, Pants, and Being Perfect

This post is going to be about the movie Penelope.  And pants.  And wisdom teeth.  And crying.  Lots of crying.  And running in circles.  And vegetable soup. And learning to love yourself.  Interested? Keep reading.

First of all, let me say how hard this post has been for me to write.  It’s been hard for several reasons.  One, because not a lot of people know about what we’re going to talk about.  (I actually think only about five people know.)  Two, because not everyone who does know about what we’re going to talk about has reacted positively. And three, because sometimes I still struggle with everything I’m about to talk about, so really, who am I to give advice?

So let’s just pretend you’re my best friend, and we’re sitting on the couch eating popcorn, talking about our feelings.  Because trust me, this post is going to be full of feelings.

Now, where to start?

Has anyone ever noticed that I don’t have any pictures posted from my year-and-a-half LDS mission to Belgium and the Netherlands?  For a girl who loved her mission as much as I did, this might seem a little strange.

Are you ready to find out why?

It’s kind of a long story.

First the facts.  

Fact: On my mission, I gained 50 pounds.  There, I said it.  Everyone who teased me about gaining weight before I left? (All teasing which was done in good humor.) You were right.  Not only did I gain weight, but I gained A LOT of weight.  And I was well aware of it.  See, the Dutch are a very blunt people, and they had no problem letting me know I had gained the extra pounds.  In fact, they frequently came right out and told me.  Want to know what the Dutch word for fat is?  Dik. (And yes, it is pronounced just like that.)  Try being called that multiple times a day and see what it does for your self-esteem. I was the “stevig” sister. (FYI-Mountains are supposed to be stevig, not 21-year-old-girls.)

Fact: My journey to lose that weight was very bittersweet.  Mostly bitter, long and frustrating, but sweet in it’s own spiritually enlightening ways.  The spiritually enlightening part is what prompts me to share my story with you.  Perhaps in re-living all I went through, I’ll be able to help someone else.  And if not, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time I’ve actually written this all out, so I’m sure it will have plenty of therapeutic value for me.

Let’s go all the way back to January 2010.  The start of a new year.  For me, this was a very needed new year.  2009 was not a highlight year for me.  January 2010 found me home in Kentucky, one month away from starting my year-and-a-half LDS mission in Belgium and the Netherlands.  I was ecstatic to be home, and more than ready to leave for what I felt like I had waited my whole life for.

Part of preparing to leave on my mission required me to get my wisdom teeth out.  Getting my wisdom teeth out was MISERABLE.  Seriously, everything that could go wrong did.  I ended up getting several infections and dry sockets and all kinds of other gross stuff.  Because of all this mess, I ended up being on a liquid only diet for about 3 weeks.

As miserable as my liquid diet was (really though, how many PediSures a day can you drink?), at the end of the 3 weeks I remember getting on a scale and BOOM, I had lost 20 lbs.  Whaat?  Now, I had never been one to care too much about my weight, but for the first time ever, people started commenting on it, for positive reasons.  I would go out with friends and everyone would go, “Oh my gosh, Jane, you look so great, how did you do it?” etc.

How perfect!  I thought.  I’m about to go on my mission (something that stereotypes say tends to make girls gain weight) and I’m already losing weight.  Say goodbye to the fat sister missionary rumors, I got this.  Before I left I bought a super skinny pair of skinny pants.  My goal was to bring them on my mission with me, and they could serve as my “goal pants.”  As long as I could fit into them, I would be ok.

Well guess what? It didn’t take too long living in Belgium before my pants didn’t fit.  Like at all.  And despite what everyone may think, I really hadn’t changed my lifestyle that much.  I wasn’t eating frietjes or donors for every meal.  I was exercising every morning and we walked everywhere.  But for some reason, my beautiful, beloved goal pants no longer fit.  

Cue my freak-out.

At first I was responsible, I tried cutting out sugar from my diet, bread, dairy.  I tried every trick I knew but for some reason, not only was I not losing weight, I kept gaining it.  Comments from people kept coming into my head.  Guy friends teasing me, “Now don’t come back all fat on us!” Or people commenting on how skinny I was when I left.  It was somewhere in this whirlwind of words that I started losing myself.  I began to hate what I was becoming.  I felt trapped in a body that wasn’t mine.

What followed next wasn’t pretty.  And I’m going to do my best to be honest with you.  Without the knowledge of my companions, family, or those around me, I started taking laxatives like crazy.  People would notice if I threw up, I thought, but no one would notice if I just had bowel movements frequently.  I drink a lot of water right?  Besides, throwing up would mean I had an eating disorder, and this wasn’t one of those.

Oh Jane. I look back at this time and wish I could just give myself a big hug.  Not only was I hurting my body, but I was hurting my spirit as well.  I would cry every night and write in my journal about how I hated my body. I would curse myself inside for being so fat, for not having better self control, for not being prettier.

It didn’t take long before all those laxatives started having an effect on my body.  To my dismay, however, I wasn’t losing weight as drastically as I wanted to, I was simply getting sick.  I would have terrible stomach pains, I would throw up, I wouldn’t be able to breathe properly.  My companions and others started to notice, but no one but me knew why.  I went to countless doctors looking for a “cure” to my stomach pains, but never let on that I might have known why they were happening.

One particularly miserable night I ended up crying to one of my companions about how fat I felt and how much I hated my body and how it wouldn’t change. To her eternal credit, my companion responded with something I will never forget.

“Have you ever seen the movie Penelope?”

“...yes…”

“So remember how much she hated her pig-nose and wanted to do whatever she could to change it?”

“Yeah.”

“And remember how she thought it would take a man to break the spell and make her beautiful again?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Well, if you remember correctly, her hating on herself and waiting for someone else to change her body didn’t help at all.  It only made her more frustrated.  What finally made her change was when she accepted herself the way she was and learned to love herself in spite of it.  Maybe that’s what you need to do.  Maybe if you stopped hating your body, and learned to love it, things would change.”

What finally made her change was when she accepted herself the way she was and learned to love herself in spite of it.

This was what I had been missing.  In my heart I knew immediately that it was true.  I had been so angry at myself, at my body, at everything around me that it was literally killing me inside.  I needed to learn to be happy and love myself the way I was.  If I could do that, if I could learn to be grateful for the body that God had given me, and learn to love and respect it, maybe things could get better.

What happened next wasn’t easy.  It’s always after moments of enlightenment that the real trials start, right?  I had developed a lot of bad habits.  I had to retrain my brain to think positively about myself and my body.  I had to replace bad habits like taking laxatives with prune juice for every meal to better ones like running in the morning and eating homemade vegetable soup. I began to really study the what it meant to be a daughter of God and why He loved me.

IT WAS REALLY HARD.

But, and this is the important part, it worked.  Once I stopped focusing on losing the weight, once I stopped cursing myself every time I looked in the mirror, once I remembered that it wasn’t my looks that defined me, the weight came off.  And I felt lighter--inside and out.  It was easier to laugh, easier to love, and I felt closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ than ever, which in turn made me a better missionary.

The process was long, it was hard, and it continued to be something I dealt with when I returned from my mission.  But I didn’t give up, I kept trying to love my body and be grateful for the blessing it was in my life.  Upon coming home I tried opening up with those around me about what I had experienced.  Unfortunately, as I mentioned in the beginning, not everyone reacted positively.  (One person actually accused me of being a sinner, and told me they would have to try hard not to think less of me because of it.)

But no matter what people said, or what people will say, in reaction to this post, I’m grateful for everything I experienced.  While I wouldn’t want to relive it, I’m grateful for what I learned.  I learned that my body doesn’t define me.  I learned that it is so so important to love myself the way I am.   I learned that God loves me and wants me to know that I am His daughter.  I learned that Jesus Christ is my Savior and with His help I can overcome hard things.  I learned that it’s ok to not be ok, and that things will always get better.

So I guess that’s my message to anyone out there who may be struggling like I did.  Who maybe hates their body or thinks that they’ve failed and are defining themselves for all the wrong reasons.  My message to you is to learn to accept yourself the way you are and love yourself in spite of it.  None of us are ever going to be perfect.  While that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t always be trying to improve ourselves, it also doesn’t mean that we need to kill ourselves if we can’t fit into our college jeans forever. If we can learn to love ourselves, I have complete faith that our bodies will end up they way God intended them to be, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll learn to be ok with that.

If you’re struggling now, it’s ok.  You’re not a bad person.  If anything, I can tell you from personal experience that what you’re going through can ultimately become a spiritually building experience for you, if you’ll let it.  Turn to your Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ.  I have a feeling this is a problem they deal with on a regular basis.

Today I have an amazing husband who tells me every day he loves me, not because I’m skinny, but because I’m beautiful, just the way I am. He hugs my hips and loves my curves.  And I’m better because I love myself too.  I get better every day, and when I struggle I remember that I’m a daughter of God and because of that, I can let go of the rest.

Pure happiness.  Loving myself, and loving life. :)

The Fashion Post

The other day one of my co-workers paid me the sweetest compliment.  It was Friday and we were chatting about our days/weekend plans when she turned to me and said, “You know, you should start a fashion blog.”

I wish someone had taken a picture of the blank stare I’m sure I gave her.  Me?  A fashion blog?

She continued, “You know, not like a normal fashion blog, but more of a business, “what-to-wear-to-work” fashion blog.”

Now before any of you get too excited/worried let me clarify, I do NOT plan on starting a fashion blog of any kind.  While I sincerely appreciate the compliment, I don’t have the time or the energy, nor do I think I could get enough of a following to do something like that.  That being said, business fashion is something that I do pride myself on.  For the past 5+ years I’ve had jobs that require me to dress to impress Monday-Friday, 9-5. I own more pencils skirts than I do pants, and I can count the number of times I wore jeans last month on one hand.  While that may sound torturous to some people, I love it.  Oddly enough, I’m most comfortable dressed up.  My motto: “You can never be overdressed or over-educated.”  Thank you, Oscar Wilde.

That being said, my lovely co-worker got me thinking.  And when I think, I make lists.  And when I make lists, I like to share them.  So it is with that introduction that I give to you the only fashionesque blog post I will probably ever do.  I like to think these tips apply to everyone, working woman or not.

1. Work with what your mama gave you.

Fashions, be they work-place or runway, come and go.  There is always going to be some new trend, the next big thing.  And as much every fashion blog, magazine, and commercial will tell you, the newest fashion might just not be exactly what you need to “spruce up your summer.” Ex- I have a big butt (and I cannot lie). This past summer when all those chevron maxi skirts were popping up everywhere, I jumped on the band wagon and bought one.  It only took me about 2 seconds in it to realize that my buttocks was just not made to have so much pattern stretched across it.  It simply wasn’t flattering.  Did that mean that I was fat? That I needed to starve myself to fit in it?  Heck no.  It just meant that I needed to grab myself that cute turquoise pencil skirt instead, because I could rock it.  So the moral of the story?  Work with what you have.  Do you have brown eyes?  Add a little bit of deep purple eyeshadow to the corners of your eyes.  You’ll look bomb, trust me.  To quote Lady Gaga, “Baby, you were born this way.”  Embrace it, hott stuff.

2. Don’t be afraid to try everything once.

Now I’m not trying to negate everything I said in the above ramble.  Certain fashions simply are not meant for certain people.  But let you be the one to decide that.  Don’t be afraid to try a new style, even if it may seem intimidating.  Try things on in stores that you normally wouldn’t look at.  Check return policies, and give everything a fair chance.  Ex-I recently bought a pair of leather leggings (which some would say you have to have no bum to pull off), but guess what, they make my butt look fabulous! (You can ask my husband.) ;)  Give things a try, and you might just be surprised.

3. Establish a uniform.

As a little girl, I always secretly wished I could go to some school that would require me to wear a uniform.  I grew up watching movies like A Little Princess and tv shows like Gilmore Girls and I loved the idea of knowing that every day I could put on my cute pleated skirt, white button-up, and tie my hair up in a bow.  What can I say, I have a thing for plaid.  It’s this girlhood desire that inspired my next piece of advice: establish a uniform.  Now, my definition of a uniform is a little bit different from what Rory wore every day to Chilton.  By ‘establish a uniform’ I mean find one good outfit, one classic, timeless outfit that you can always have ready to throw on on those days when nothing else seems to work.  My advice?  A classic black pencil skirt and some kind of white button-up.  This outfit will always be in style, it flatters every body type, and you can accessorize and dress it up any way you like.  Have this outfit prepared and you’ll never have to go through those “what do I wear today??” mornings.

4. You get what you pay for.

So choose quality over quantity. Trust me, I know how tempting stores like Forever 21 can be with their endless $9.99 v-necks.  But as tempting as it can be to buy clothes cheap and in bulk, take the time to invest in more durable pieces for your wardrobe.  While they may cost more, they will stand the test of time.  Now I’m not saying that everyone needs to go out and start buying $29.99 v-necks from J.Crew.  I’m saying think about how long you want what you’re buying to last.  For example, your uniform.  That black pencil skirt is never going to go out of style.  So why not make it an investment?  Go somewhere where you can trust the quality (Banana Republic, J.Crew, Nordstrom, Loft).  Believe it or not, these stores actually have pretty amazing sales themselves.  So you can get the skirt you want, at the price you want, and keep it for years to come.

5. You don’t need to wear a white shirt/tank top under everything.

Ohhh if I could only tell you for how many years I have wanted to shout this from the mountain tops.  Ladies-there are only two reasons why you would ever need to wear a white shirt under something. 1-If it’s see-through.  2- If it’s too low cut.  Now, I hesitate in saying this, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m not a fan of modesty or appropriately covering yourself up.  Sometimes, the shirt is too low, and you just need something under it, I get it.  But most of the time, IT’S NOT.  I think, especially within LDS culture, we get so used to putting a white shade top under everything that we never even stop to think that maybe we don’t always need it.  My friends, I am telling you now-you don’t.  Walk away from the white undershirt, it will change your life, I promise you.

And a couple of quick tips:

6. Buy the LBD.  Just do it.

7. Invest in a good shampoo/conditioner

8. Become really good at doing your hair one way (for those days nothing else seems to work)

9. Wear your pretty clothes and be busy with style

Phew.  That was quite the rant.  And it felt surprisingly good.

Well there is it, my one and only fashionesque post.  Glad I got that out of my system. :)

I wish you all a happy, bustling October!

Let’s end with a quote:

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." -Albert Einstein

Leather leggings, what, what

23 Signs I’m Not So Secretly An Extrovert

23 Signs I’m Not So Secretly An Extrovert:

Last month, this article went viral.  Suddenly my facebook feed was covered in posts from not-so-covert introverts who were suddenly more than willing to claim the title.  Because I’m one of those people who has to read every single article someone posts to facebook, I decided to check it out and see if any of the telltale signs of introversion applied to me.

Guess what?  THEY DIDN’T.  Like at all.  Not a single one.  The whole point of the article was to prove that people are frequently unaware that they’re introverts, but in my case, it only proved to me that I am completely, 100% an overtly extroverted girl.  And so I bring you:

23 Signs I’m Not So Secretly An Extrovert (modeled after “23 Signs You’re Secretly An Introvert”):

1.  I thrive on small talk.

• Because here’s the thing: for me, there is no such thing as small talk.  When I meet people at parties/church/work/wherever I immediately assume that we’re already the best of friends and I have no problem treating them as such.  I’m one of those no barriers I’ll-share-my-life-story-if-you’ll-share-yours type of people, and I genuinely LOVE getting to know the details of people’s lives.  Put me in a seat next to a stranger on a five hour plane flight?  Yes please.  (Ask Andrew about the time I got off the plane and called to inform him that we now had a dinner date Wednesday night with the lady I sat next to on the plane and her husband.)

2. I go to parties--to meet people.

• When I go to parties, I’m not comfortable until I know everyone in the room.  We’ve had a lot of practice with this one lately.  Being new in Charlottesville and at U.Va., there have been a fair amount of “getting to know you/orientation/first event of the semester” types of parties.  And what is the first thing I do when we arrive?  I ask Andrew to introduce me to everyone.  And if he doesn’t, I will.  When I go to a party, I do not silently slide up against a wall and wait for someone to inquire about the mystery guest.

3. I never feel alone in a crowd.

• This isn’t to say that I’ve never been somewhere with a group of people and no matter how hard I try I just can’t connect with them.  Because that happens, and yes it feels lonely.  But that feeling usually doesn’t last long, and if it does, it doesn’t really bother me.

4. Networking doesn't scare me.

• Call me crazy, but I love networking. (I sometimes credit it for the reason Andrew and I got married.)  Interviews excite me, I have no problem talking about my accomplishments, and, once again, I love meeting new people.  Bingo.

5. I have A LOT of feelings.

• Or feeeeelings, as I like to call them.  Not only do I have them, but I love to share them.  I cry a lot. In front of other people.  I’ve been told I laugh too loudly.  I say how I feel and communicate my whole range of emotions, fears, and desires frequently and to anyone who will listen.  No one ever has to wonder how I’m feeling.  Chances are, I’ll tell them.

6. I get bored easily when I don’t have enough to do.

• I hate downtime.  Actually, let me explain it this way:  I always claim I want down time, that all I want to do is lay in bed all day and watch Netflix, but when I actually get it, I feel incredibly antsy and irritated.  What can I say?  I need stimulation. It is for this reason that…

7.  Downtime feels extremely unproductive to me.

• Just ask Andrew--I can’t sit still.  I try and try but no matter what downtime just doesn’t do it for me.  If anything it makes me aggravated and angry at myself for wasting time.  That’s not to say that I don’t like to relax, but rather that spending the day at home doing nothing really brings me no satisfaction.  I’d rather be up and running.

8-9. I feel like this is getting repetitive.  Let me just repeat--I LOVE TALKING TO PEOPLE.  Big groups, small groups, one-on-one.  Love it.

10.  I start to shut down after I’ve been inactive for too long.

• Like I mentioned above, downtime tends to have a negative effect on me.  Instead of replenishing me, it sucks energy out of me.  Andrew can testify to the truth of this.  He’ll come home from work/the library and I’ll be on the couch, with all the lights on (because it makes me feel like I’m not alone) and some kind of music/tv show playing so it feels like I have other people with me.  And I attack him as soon as he walks in the door demanding we talk all about our days and share our feelings.  (Guess who usually does the most talking?)

11. I’m in a relationship with an introvert.

• While the “23 Signs You’re Secretly An Introvert” article didn’t apply to me, boy did it apply to Andrew.  100%, every single one was him.  And you know what, I love him for it.  I can’t imagine being in a relationship with another extrovert.  We’d probably both just explode from over-excitement.  Andrew and I balance each other and I love it.  Yin and yang, him and me.  Incidentally, a lot of my best friends are introverts.  I guess opposites really do attract.

12.  I want to try to master everything.

• I want to be the best wife, the best friend, the best cook, the best dancer, the best dressed, the best everything.  Rarely ever can I just focus on one project at a time, I obsess over multiple activities at once.  Whether or not this is a good thing, I’m not sure.

13. I would LOVE to be on any kind of show that might involve audience participation.

• Did you know that it is my dream to be on Ellen?  And I don’t just mean to be one of the dancing members in the crowd whose facebook profile she stalks.  I want to be on Ellen.  Like somehow she is going to find out how amazing I am and bring me on the show and make it possible for me to dance with Usher and then go have a game night with the cast of Parks and Recreation.  Sound crazy?  Maybe.  But part of me really believes it’s going to happen.  I might even have an amazing plan to make it work.  But we’ll save that story for another post.

14-19.  Blah blah blah...this is getting really long...thanks to those who are still reading. :)

20.  I have trouble looking at the big picture.

• I always find myself way too caught up in the details.  Yet another reason why introvert Andrew, who tends to look at the big picture, is perfect for me.

21.  I’ve been told I’m too needy/talk too much.

• What?  I have a lot of feelings.  And I need to tell them to someone to recharge.  That’s just the way I am.

22. I’m horrible at keeping up my blog.

• Why?  Because I don’t want to be inside alone typing on a computer.  I’d rather be out, with people, making the memories, rather than writing about them.  And to finish it off...

23. When I read all the online articles about introverts last month at first I thought “Haha that is so me!” and then realized, that’s not me, I just love being part of a group.

Safe to say I'm an extrovert?

One Year

365 days ago I was sealed for time and all eternity to this handsome man:

To say I am in love is an understatement.

This past year has been filled with all kinds of adventures, good and bad, but through it all there has been no one else I'd rather take on life and all its challenges with than my dear Andrew.  I count my lucky stars every day for the amazing blessing he is in my life.

The only unfortunate thing about this anniversary was that we were not able to ring it in together!  Our move across the country has us separated, as I spend some quality time with my family in Kentucky, and Andrew and his father embark on a very long (38 hour) road trip with all of our belongings.  

(For those of you who don't know, road trips aren't really my thing--a fact those of you who have ever been on a road trip with me can attest to--so sweet Andrew bought me a plane ticket as an anniversary present and is letting me relax in KY while he drives across the country.) (I wasn't kidding when I said he was the best.)

It's hard to believe but one week from now we'll be in Virginia!  The move has forced me to put blogging on the back burner for a while, but I plan to start things up again once we're settled in Charlottesville.  And this time, I'm making the blog private.  It's not that I don't love letting everyone on the internet read about my life, I'd just prefer to keep the personal things between those I love and those who love me back.  Anyone who would like to keep reading is more than welcome to, just email/message me your email address and I'll add you to the list.

Life is lovely, friends.  I have great faith in the future.  Here's to year #2. :)

Also...

I wanted to make a collage for this post with all of my favorite pictures from the wedding, but once I had finished going through all of the pictures and picking out my favorites, this is what it looked like:

A bit much?

I think I'll just stick with this one:

My thoughts as of late

I'm going to give you a little inside peek at what's been going on in my head lately:

Things tend to go back and forth.

• I want a baby...I don't want a baby
• I want to go to grad school...No more school forever!!
• I want to lie on the couch and watch Netflix documentaries all day...I want to do crazy workout videos all day and make my body want to die
• I want to start packing right now...I never want to leave Provo
• I want birthday cake ice cream...I must have birthday cake ice cream

What's difficult is that it seems that most combinations of these thoughts don't really work together.  Well, at least in my head they don't seem to work together.  I can't have a baby, go to grad school, watch Netflix all day, work out like crazy, and both leave/never leave Provo.  Life is all about choices and right now,  it's hard to know what's best.  Long story short, prayer is a very important part of my life right now.

And thank goodness birthday cake ice cream works with every option/is always an option.

Fourth of July Weekend

The Monday after a holiday weekend is always the hardest.  It's back to reality and really, who wants to do three loads of laundry and start meal planning again?  No thanks.  

I thought I would give you a little review of our weekend in pictures.  We spent all of it with family and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  Andrew is lucky enough to have family close by in Logan and Pocatello, and seeing as how we'll be moving across the country in less than a month (I can hardly believe it either!) we decided to make the most of our close proximity.

First, our day in Logan.  Meet the most adorable children:

Mercedes (7)

Grant (4)

and

Kyra (1) (who liked getting really close to the camera)

They greeted us with a sword fight which Andrew eagerly joined while I tried my best to not get whacked in the face.

We spent the day eating delicious bbq, talking, laughing, playing with water balloons, and of course, making homemade confetti and throwing it in the air (what's a holiday without confetti??)

We ended the day back in Provo with friends and watched the Stadium of Fire fireworks which were amazing as always.

Friday morning we got up and headed up to Pocatello, ID to visit the Coray's.  It was my first time in Pocatello and I must say, it did not disappoint.  We were treated to all of Idaho's finest.  Because of bad weather, I didn't get to bring my camera to everything, but I got pictures of the most important things.

Coolest thing we did?  We went shooting!  It was my first time shooting, let alone touching a gun, and I thought it was a blast (pun intended).

Overall it was a successful weekend and I couldn't be more sad it's over.  Here's to family, friends, and of course, America. :)